(C) 2012 Apple Inc.

I would like to start off before anything in saying that I have not used the iPhone 5, I haven’t touched it, I haven’t even smelled it (although I hear it smells like inter-dimensional travel. Although that might just be the smell from Foxconn), all in all I am very close to the least qualified person to say anything about the iPhone. So why do a review? Simple. I am looking for my 15 seconds of internet fame and I have yet to locate a singing parrot of my own or build my own studio like the guys at twit and I’m still in college so there is nothing for me to do (studying and going to class is for freshmen). Without further ado here is my completely biased iPhone 5 hands off review.

It has been called the greatest phone of 2018 for 5 year olds, said to cause uncontrollable laughter and tears to all who touch it. It’s the reason why Santa’s naughty list is at an all time low and there are rumors it may actually reverse global warming and end wars. (The UN is now telling me that it only ends wars with the aid of their people.)

What is this magical, miraculous, amazing device? iPhone 5. The device that tells your 3rd grade teacher that proper nouns are not capitalized when they are magical. iPhone 5 was released yesterday (September 12th, 2012) at San Francisco’s Yerba Buena Center for the Arts. One guy tried to get in with a Samsung Galaxy S III but was quickly hurried out the side door and sued for being in possession of intellectual property.

The event opened like any event. Then we say the iPhone 5.. again. Thanks Gizmodo, sorry Apple. The new iPhone at first glance looks like the iPhone 4/4S only a little taller. After further examination indeed. It looks a lot like a taller iPhone 4S. Every iPhone and iPod touch in the past has had an 3.5″ screen. Now the iPhone has a 4″ Retina screen and many Apple employees have told me it looks magical (Note: No Apple employees have talked to me, but if they had they would tell me it looks magical). So why make it a bigger screen? Why not? Some initially said it was to make the battery taller but because it’s now 18% thinner there isn’t all that much more room. Apple said it was because of our hands, before yesterday we all had hands specific for a 3.5″ screen but suddenly over night they grew, because of this Apple had to make a larger phone. A larger screen is a feature (No, really! It is!). They were smart in keeping the width of the screen the same, this may seem like a small thing but if you have ever tried to type on a touch screen one-handed you quickly notice that anything wider than the iPhone screen is very hard to type on. It will be interesting to see if the new aspect ratio will have a negative effect on apps (all iPhone apps work but they put black bars on the top and bottom). Will there start to be iPhone 5 specific apps further making the iPhone 2G-4S completely obsolete? They did make the screen more vibrant and integrated the display and touch layers to make it even sharper.

LTE. No that isn’t let spelled wrong (I have autocorrect on my iPad, you’re welcome). It’s an abbreviation for long-term evolution, or fancy talk for almost 4G but not really but the customer isn’t smart enough so we’ll act like it is and call it 4G. I’ll keep my rant limited but essentially 4G is supposed to be a lot faster than what carriers are calling 4G. So am I saying its a bad thing that this has “4G LTE”. No. Anything faster than what we have now is a good thing. 4G is usually faster than 3G and hopefully faster than EDGE. If anyone is going to do “4G” (phone side) right, I would place my bets on Apple being it. The fact that this is a worldwide rollout of a 4G phone I hope international carriers are ready for it.

So what else? Faster Wi-Fi. YES!!!… Oh wait most of us don’t have gigabit fiber lines coming to our houses. Again. I’m not saying this is a bad thing. Just nothing the average user will notice. So great its there. You probably won’t notice it too much though. (Technical Who Ha: It is now dual band Wi-Fi making use of both the 2.4GHz band, which is WAY over used and 5GHz. Connection speeds of up to 150Mbps)

I’m getting bored.. Wait! A6 chip? That sounds fancy! Bottom line? Angry Birds will be even Angrier and you will be able to cut rope even smoother. Swap between apps faster and smoother. All in all this is a lot like the Wi-Fi. Amazing technology but something that the average user won’t notice (unless comparing speed side by side to an older iPhone.) So unless you are drag racing your phones to see who can load apps quicker or if you are doing video editing or really intense gaming, you won’t notice too much of a difference. (Full disclosure: This may power a future iHoverboard in which case the A5 processor just won’t cut it. Unless of course you want to be called Capt. Slow)

So what about the most important feature? Battery. Well they say it’s better. I find that even an iPhone 3Gs can get great battery life if you don’t use it. They are saying that 8-10 hours of continual use. Which means you might be able to make it till lunch before you have to charge it.

I have to admit I might be very biased when it comes to the camera. I am a photographer and I am stuck on an iPhone 3Gs. This camera looks absolutely amazing! Its 8 megapixels which is more than enough for a phone. They improve what they had, which is good, after all I would rather a 2 megapixel photo that is clean and crisp over a 80 megapixel photo that is blurry. They put in a sapphire lens in it and improved the low light performance. This is great because where most cameras fall short is in low light. I’ll be excited to try it out when one of my friends buys it. It has an intuitive looking panoramic mode (looks like some photo developers got Sherlocked. See Twit MBW for reference) and improved video. 1080p full HD video that you can take photos while you are shooting video. The HD FaceTime (720p) camera is possibly the coolest feature here though. Watch out Facebook and instagram, tween girls will no longer need to use their bathroom mirrors to take their high quality duck face pictures. Oh yeah, now you can FaceTime over cellular data (A great way to eat through all that data in your plan).

They added more microphones for noise canceling and so you can stop saying “Can you hear me now?” and HD Voice! Which is your voice in glorious high-definition.. But only on certain networks and only if both people have HD voice phones. Wait? Do people even call people anymore?

The painful part. The 30 pin connector is dead. It was murdered by Thunderbolt’s kid, Lighting. It makes sense that you can’t make a phone smaller than a pencil and not shrink the cable. Remember its also Apple so Micro USB is not an option. It looks like a cool connector, it’s reversible so you can’t plug it in wrong. They made a connector so some of your old connectors will still work. I say some because anything with a dock won’t work because it wont be stable.

Cost.

iPhone 4 8GB – Free (with 2 year contract)
iPhone 4S 16GB – $99 (with 2 year contract)
iPhone 5 16GB – $199 (with 2 year contract)
32GB – $299 (with 2 year contract)
64GB – $399 (with 2 year contract)

I want it!

Preorders start tomorrow, Friday, September 14th, 2012

Shipping September 21st, 2012

Bottom Line

I want it, and a part of me needs it. If I thought not eating for a month would pay for it I would do it. The contract is what I hate. I have yet to be in a contract and I don’t want to start just quite yet. I pay $50 a month and I have an iPhone.. sure its a 3Gs but it’s still an iPhone. What should you do? Buy it! Or don’t. Either way this phone will be a success. Apple could have rereleased the iPhone 4S and say that now it will be sold in a *new* whiter white color and a *magical* blacker black, and it would be their best quarter yet. Those who love the iPhone will always love it. As for those who don’t? They don’t exist. Go ahead. Try to do a Siri search for the best phone.. It killed Nokia and took its place.

-Martin

Source for amazingly accurate coverage of the iPhone 5 event from The Verge.

Check back later when I talk about iOS 6, iPods, iTunes, and EarPods.